Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Truth Comes Out - Overwhelming Fear

There are days where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and for no reason.  I just feel like I cannot handle anything else, including what is already on my ever filling plate.  Lately, I have been getting overwhelmed in odd moments.  A small item added to my pile throws me into a state of chaos.  I wish I could say I have it under control, but the truth is that it is a daily battle.  In the moments of extreme panic I have to decide to allow God to be in control.  Ultimately, it is a fear of a lack of control.  Fear of losing what I hold tightest to in this world.  It sounds extreme, but it really is something I have to constantly struggle with and 

Does anyone else struggle with this?  I want you to know deeply and whole heartedly you are not alone.  Which helps me to know that I know I am not alone.  I am taking this process one day at a time and one battle at a time.  I feel like it may be something I battle for the rest of my life, though I daily pray for the relief of this overwhelming fear.  It is such a state of utter frustration that I often times sink into.  I break down in tears and hate to be alone.  I wonder why some people live this way and others were granted the blessing of fearing nothing.  I feel like this has crept up inside me over the years, and that I used to be much more fearless. When and why did this change?

My husband cannot fix this for me, although bless his heart he tries.  This is something God and myself need to work out.  I need to learn to trust him.  He has my life under control and he has my heart in his hands.  There is a certain amount of hesitation that is acceptable in the day to day, but there is not room for crippling fear.  It's hard to explain, but it feels like I am living in a constant state of darkness and being unsure.

I know that this fear is not of the one who saved me and made me a complete person in Him.  This fear is not something I have to live in.  This fear is conquerable.  

God grant me peace of heart.  Remind me that I am yours and not of this world.  I believe there is good in this world, because you created this world.  While evil exists, it does not have to be what drives my fear.  Help me to concentrate on perfect love, because that is what your word tells me casts out all fear.  

To those who take the time to read this, do no worry.  This has always been a part of my life, but it is just something I am attempting to be more honest about.  I keep my panic inside and it has caused some physical discomfort, and I want people to know that while I always choose to be kind and understanding of others, it is time for me to be fully understood.  Be patient with me as I become more honest about this :)

I will write more soon.  Just these words have helped me conquer one of my fears, which was people knowing I am constantly afraid.  Thanks you caring enough to be sensitive with this information.

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